Apologies.

Those two words that could either mean everything or nothing.

I’m Sorry.

It’s so easy to tell someone else to apologize. But it can be quite a difficult thing to actually execute. Especially if you have an everlasting battle with that thing everyone knows as pride. Which I do. I have enough pride to last about 5 life times. But when I apologize –  I mean it. I don’t say it to shut anyone up, like some people that I have encountered. It’s not something that can easily roll off my tongue. It usually gets caught in my esophagus. Threatening to choke me. Smother me. But when it does make it’s way, it sounds awkward or confused. Like it’s a question.

“I’m Sorry?”

Or like I an enraged.

“I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!”

So, it’s best for me to send it in a message. A detailed, elaborate message. Explaining why I’ve done what I’ve done and asking for forgiveness. Expressing how much that person may mean to me, etc. etc. My fingers don’t choke up. It’s easier to hide behind a screen. So when there is no reply, nobody can see the way it makes me feel. Whether I’m forlorn and destitute. Whether I’m relieved. Whatever the feeling may be, nobody can see it. I am definitely the suffer in silence type. Smile and wave but having the weight of the world just sitting atop your chest – like the fucker belongs there. My sister finally called me. We had about a 7 minute chat where she said something to me that was funny, but now that I am sitting here thinking about it, she couldn’t have said it better than anyone else I know. She said “This is what we do. We fuck things up. We have no idea how to be adults”

She’s absolutely correct. How do you learn how to be an adult? And how do you apologize to someone who wants nothing to do with it?

-B

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