I probably should not be blogging at the moment, seeing as I am currently in a state of emotional turmoil. But I am here anyway and I hope that my eyes will dry by the end of this post because I want, no- I NEED to feel better.

I sit here, and I think about a friend. One of my best friends, actually. He’s successful, very successful. He has a good job and he has a really nice apartment. He’s got a girlfriend of well over 10 years at this point. And while he may stray from time to time, he goes home to her every. single. day. When I ask him why, he doesn’t say. But he doesn’t have to because I already know. He loves her. You have to love someone when you stick by their side – through thick and thin – like that. No matter where you go, they go. Family emergencies, or any type of emergency, they are the first person if not the only person you tell to pack a bag. And can anyone be mad at that?  Can anyone truly be angry that someone has a love like that? Even someone like me, as bitter and cruel and cold hearted that I may be at times, at the end of the day I can’t even  be mad at that. But it does make me envious. Because while I sit back and I am truly happy for my friend, I wonder why I can’t find that. Why, even when I wasn’t looking, it never stumbled upon my path. I may have felt that way about someone, but the feelings were never mutual. Or never strong enough.

Oh! These tears! What are they even? Tears of frustration? Rage? Exhaustion? Is it dejection, rejection, grief??? What in the actual fuck is going on here??? Oh. I know.

I want someone to love me the way President Grant loves Olivia, a friend as loyal as Huck. A happy ending.

-B