Interestingly enough, not surprising though, but interestingly enough, my apologies mean absolutely nothing. Shit. Zilch. I’m not surprised however. Because how many times can one person say “I’m sorry” before it doesn’t mean anything at all?
I made a telephone call today. I knew that it would either go well, or not go at all. I wouldn’t say 50/50, more like a 70/30. The 30% being not in my favor. And, well, it didn’t. Go in my favor, that is. I was sincere. I meant every word. But in the end, it didn’t matter. And does it ever really matter anymore? Each day that goes by I say that no. No, it doesn’t.
Instead, I feel worse off than before I made the call. So instead of being spared, instead of being given mercy – I was torn down. And yes, I deserve such a feeling. I didn’t even deserve for the phone to be picked up. But it was and in return – I am left with this… this emptiness. I’ve given the best and worst parts of me and in the end, always in the end, the bad out weighs the good.
Decisions are to be made and things to be given back and my life is to move on.