Be courageous and be brave.
A daily mantra for me. Cancer is an evil thing. Some days when I wake up, I lie in bed and ask nobody in particular ‘why?’ I’m not yet 30, and yet I count my breaths wondering which one may very well be my last. Some days, I go outside and I swear the sun feels warmer. Colors more vibrant. Sounds much clearer. I try to smile and I feel my face, touch my lips. Other days, the sun just pisses me off. Everything pisses me off. I seem to care less about making money and worry more about fulfilling my wants and needs. It would be nice to find someone who loves me and wants to wake up next to me in bed in the morning. Their Helen of Troy; the face that launched a thousand ships. Family who wants to go to doctor’s appointments with me. Friends who want to pretend this isn’t happening with me and go out for coffee. Take road trips and see more of the world. Instead I lie here, alone, for days at a time in this full sized bed. My phone not making a peep for hours at a time. The people that used to be here for me have continued on with life. Creating their own memories, dealing with their own shit – moving on. Without me. But I’m not sad, not at the moment anyway. In fact, I don’t feel much of anything right now.
I can’t help but wonder at what point in my life did I break. When was I broken? When did I turn into someone that I can’t stand to look at in the mirror? When did I turn into this sad, withering shadow of the person that I used to be? I have no idea. A friend told me that I don’t give myself enough credit. However, I like to think that everyone is their own worst critic. Wouldn’t you?
“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” –Augusten Burroughs
Thank you for this text, J. I’ve read it a thousand times today.