I had a pretty bad panic attack yesterday, and I’m not sure why. It came out of absolutely nowhere. I had a really good morning, I went and had breakfast with Scottie, Brad, and my sister and spent the majority of the morning with them. Then I came home and played Diablo for a while, had some coffee, took a bath and a shower, and then it just happened. I don’t believe that I was thinking or worrying over anything in particular. It just came. The shortness of breath and the tunnel vision was a dead giveaway. Once it passed I remember feeling confused. Like a “what the fuck? why did that just happen?” Even though I’m not at work I am still fucking anxious ALL the time. Even with the new meds. But those could take a while to kick in, or so the doctor says. I also find it funny that she upped the milligram of prozac. The reason I find this funny is because if you are a Soprano’s fan like myself, Dr. Melfi prescribed and upped Tony’s prozac because of his panic attacks, too. Yet, he still continued to have them as well….. Now, I’m not mob-boss or anything. But I feel the stress that I constantly live with is a contributing factor.
Anyway, I’ve been having trouble sleeping still. Even with all the new medication that’s supposed to knock me out like it was an elephant tranquilizer. I do sleep better, but it’s not that deep REM sleep. I still toss and turn, and wake up periodically. I’ll give my own personal Doctor Melfi a call on Monday and let her know. I feel like I sound like a drug addict every time I call her and tell her it’s not working. But seriously though, something has to give. I’m tired of this constantly worrying and not sleeping gig. It’s getting old as shit.
The only thing that’s been keeping my head afloat is my friend Jess, and Scottie of course. They make me feel normal, and important. It’s those daily phone calls and text messages that remind me that I am important to someone. It’s a good feeling that I wish would be a constant one. I better not complain though. At least I feel something other than dread and uselessness.
Today I got up and made coffee. I took a shower and put on minimal makeup. Slapped on some lipstick and acted like I was going somewhere. But I have no intention on it. I just didn’t want to be in my pajama’s all day. I’ve been in pajama’s for going on 3 weeks now. I’m still reading The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware. It was so slow to begin with but it is finally starting to pick up a tad. Key word being “tad”. I’m currently sitting outside drinking coffee and typing this up, hoping to feel some kind of importance or something. Idk. I’ve watched 6 seasons of Scandal, I’m currently on season 2 of Nurse Jackie, and I’ve also started Dexter….. again. This is my life right now.
Over and out.