Spiraling out of control. That’s the only way I can explain how things are going right about now. Listening to my sister’s plans for moving, dealing with hostility at work, being -for the first time in 4 years- single. The heartache and stress of it all is overwhelming. It feels like there’s nowhere to run. Noone to turn to. I want to scream and cry and rip my hair out.

What do I do?




The time has come. You never think you’re going to be one of the one’s affected by Trump’s “send them back to Mexico and let’s build a wall” deal. But here it is. Slapping me in the face, repeatedly. It’s really not fair to rip families apart just because they were not born here. If it doesn’t effect you personally, you probably don’t really give a shit, right? Now people that I truly love are leaving. My sister, my niece, my nephew. They’ll soon be gone and I will be here in this amazing, racist country, alone. Everything is just falling to pieces lately. I’ve gotten broken up with. I’m going to lose my job. And now I’m losing the little bit of family I have. What’s the fucking point anymore? Why do I continue to wake up in the morning and go to a job where my days are numbered? Why do I continue to hope that he’s going to come back? Why do I continue to be emotionally invested in my sister instead of distancing myself? Do I like this? This heartbreak? No, I don’t, actually. But here I am. Wishing and hoping and trying. Still here, loving people who don’t want to stay with me. Still here loving, even when I myself am not lovable. Still wishing, PRAYING, that I was good enough. For my job. For someone to stay. For someone, anyone, to love me unconditionally. Maybe I’m not meant to be with people.

The truth is, were all fuckups. We all hurt people, especially those that we love. But those fuckups are just a reminder that we are all human. Trying to be someone else, running away from yourself, it never works. It always brings you right back here.

Am I perfect? No. But I can tell you that I have good intentions. Is that enough? So far I’ve found that no. No, it’s not even close to being enough.

xoxo -B


Rejection. Why is rejection such a bitter pill to swallow? Why is it that death is preferable to heartbreak and rejection? Giving up is easy, it’s living that’s so hard. My anxiety is through the damn roof right now. I go back to work tomorrow. Face some of my fear’s tomorrow. Maybe get fired tomorrow. Fear. They say that fear is the greatest motivator. Sometime’s the fear comes too late. Sometime’s the fear of losing a job or someone you love comes after you’ve already lost them. And what do you do when it’s already lost? How do you move on?

I only wish that I was good enough. Good enough for my job. Good enough for a significant other. Good enough to have not even nice things, but decent things. I don’t need to be amazing at any one thing, just mediocre at something. I don’t want to sift through life being unlovable; coasting along at a job that mattered to me once upon a time.

This is what it will be like for me. Alone. Like sand sifting through the cracks.



The Lefty Who Likes Cats.

That’s what my friend described me as. And not lefty as in left handed, she means lefty as in Left-Winged. Democrat. Or as many of my Right-Wing friends like to call me, a “Socialist”.  That last part makes me laugh. I don’t know, maybe it’s just completely…. ‘Left’ of me, but I don’t believe that building a wall is any answer. Who know’s though. I guess we will see where this non-politician POTUS will lead us… I’m trying to be open minded about it.

Side note, my store manager fired like, 3 people in two days. And last I left the store it was mid-shift and I took a Leave of Absence. I’m not her favorite person on the planet. In fact I’m 98.7% sure that she loathes me. My anxiety is telling me that I’m on the chopping block. Other people that I work with are even telling me to get a transfer. And I know that’s probably for the best. To step down and go somewhere I may be safer. But that god-damned stubborn part of me is sticking out my chin and sticking the middle finger to ‘The Man’.  The stress is getting to me for real. I don’t know what to do, and the only person I trust to give me A1 advice hates me and doesn’t talk to me. So I’m stuck making my own big girl decisions. AKA I’m going to end up 110% fucking myself; and not in the good, sexy way.

I have no idea what to fucking do with myself. Or my life. Can someone, anyone, give me a pointer or two?

xoxo -B


Sometimes things don’t hit us right away. Like grief, for instance. It can come out of nowhere; lying in bed at night or dead smack in the middle of a grocery store. Some people linger on it and others let it roll right off their shoulders. I wish I could be the one to let it roll off my shoulders.

I’ve often asked myself why I have not yet been able to settle into a successful relationship. I usually ask myself this after someone else asks me “Why are you still single?” What I can’t seem to admit to anyone is that I have yet to successfully commit to a long-term relationship because I do not love myself. It’s as simple as that. I do not love myself and I’m not sure that I ever will be able to. I do not feel worthy, of anything. I have never worked hard to achieve anything. I’ve always just coasted. Barely making it, sometimes not even being able to do that. I’m crippled by depression and unworthiness. I do not set standards for myself for fear of not meeting them. And if I don’t value myself, why would I expect anyone else to? But that’s just the thing. I don’t expect anyone to value me. I do not have anything of value. Sometime’s that bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t. Personally, I prefer the numb feeling to anything else. Unfortunately I don’t usually get what I want and I’m often left crying alone in the right corner pocket of my bedroom. I feel like I’ve lost so much recently; and I suppose in a way I have. I’m having a hard time stumbling just enough to get on my feet, much less hopping back on the horse.

I know that every day I wake up I could begin again. Or try to. However I’m not as strong as I once was. It seems to get harder instead of easier.

They say that you create your own destiny. Is this it for me?

Is this Kismet?

xoxo -B

Oh , the Places You’ll Go

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.


You’ll be on y our way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t
Because, sometimes they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Dr. Seuss circa 1990