Sometimes things don’t hit us right away. Like grief, for instance. It can come out of nowhere; lying in bed at night or dead smack in the middle of a grocery store. Some people linger on it and others let it roll right off their shoulders. I wish I could be the one to let it roll off my shoulders.
I’ve often asked myself why I have not yet been able to settle into a successful relationship. I usually ask myself this after someone else asks me “Why are you still single?” What I can’t seem to admit to anyone is that I have yet to successfully commit to a long-term relationship because I do not love myself. It’s as simple as that. I do not love myself and I’m not sure that I ever will be able to. I do not feel worthy, of anything. I have never worked hard to achieve anything. I’ve always just coasted. Barely making it, sometimes not even being able to do that. I’m crippled by depression and unworthiness. I do not set standards for myself for fear of not meeting them. And if I don’t value myself, why would I expect anyone else to? But that’s just the thing. I don’t expect anyone to value me. I do not have anything of value. Sometime’s that bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t. Personally, I prefer the numb feeling to anything else. Unfortunately I don’t usually get what I want and I’m often left crying alone in the right corner pocket of my bedroom. I feel like I’ve lost so much recently; and I suppose in a way I have. I’m having a hard time stumbling just enough to get on my feet, much less hopping back on the horse.
I know that every day I wake up I could begin again. Or try to. However I’m not as strong as I once was. It seems to get harder instead of easier.
They say that you create your own destiny. Is this it for me?
Is this Kismet?