Rejection. Why is rejection such a bitter pill to swallow? Why is it that death is preferable to heartbreak and rejection? Giving up is easy, it’s living that’s so hard. My anxiety is through the damn roof right now. I go back to work tomorrow. Face some of my fear’s tomorrow. Maybe get fired tomorrow. Fear. They say that fear is the greatest motivator. Sometime’s the fear comes too late. Sometime’s the fear of losing a job or someone you love comes after you’ve already lost them. And what do you do when it’s already lost? How do you move on?
I only wish that I was good enough. Good enough for my job. Good enough for a significant other. Good enough to have not even nice things, but decent things. I don’t need to be amazing at any one thing, just mediocre at something. I don’t want to sift through life being unlovable; coasting along at a job that mattered to me once upon a time.
This is what it will be like for me. Alone. Like sand sifting through the cracks.