I’ve had some really amazing things happen as well as some pretty shitty things happen since I’ve last written. I guess I’ll start off with some of the good stuff.
While my assistant manager was on vacation, my store manager trusted me enough to leave me over operations. Which was a huge deal for me. It was stressful and tiresome at times but overall enjoyable and I am still grateful for the experience. I started talking to someone. Someone who doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. He’s funny and sarcastic and has a touch of asshole-ness to keep me entertained. He has a really cute kid, too. I was introduced for the first time the other day and I actually enjoyed myself. We played hot potato, and chased each other around throwing footballs at one another. I refereed a basketball game between him and his dad (which I really just watched). It was carefree and fun. Normal. No hiding or secret trysts. It felt…. really, really good. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Shitty things though, shitty things suck. Betrayal is probably one of the worst things I could ever imagine feeling. There’s this saying, “I myself and full of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” That is probably the most relatable thing I could ever compare myself to. I have done, and continue to do, some pretty messed up things sometimes. But I always, ALWAYS – take care of and look out for the people that mean something to me. So to do this, to put these specific people before myself, to go without so that way they can have, it’s second nature to me. If I love you, truly love you, I want to help you because it makes me feel good about myself. I won’t throw it in your face. And if I do, I immediately regret it and apologize. But I don’t do good things for people and expect anything in return. However, when I am betrayed by a loved one I can’t help but think of everything I have ever done for them. It’s a heart breaking feeling. Especially coming from someone that I have never expected it to come from. But it’s okay. I don’t regret anything. I still wish the best for these people, but at some point I have to learn to take care of myself.
Sometimes, it really is okay to be selfish. I think.