Positive.

That's what those 6 tests said. I couldn't believe my fucking eyes. I blinked. Blinked again. Then I couldn't see and I heard this hiccuping sound, had no clue what was going on until I realized that hey- I'm losing my shit in the Walmart handicapped bathroom. I faintly heard my name being called over the intercom to go to receiving for a Walmart truck, but I couldn't move my legs. Instead I ignored it and fumbled my phone out of my pocket. Fought with my shaky fingers to get the camera app open so I can send a picture of the worst news imaginable to my 2 friends. Once the snapshot had sent, I sat there chewing the skin along my nail bed. Waiting for their responses. Wondering what this life sucking force will look like. Me? Him? Is it going to be a boy? Girl? Should I get rid of it? I'm going to be 29 in a week. I'm too young to have a kid. I don't even have a car right now. I'm supposed to start radiation treatments in 3 weeks.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me?! This is a sick ass joke, right?

Wrong. It's real. This is real fucking life. Now the guy, he may or may not be around. At the moment it's leaning more towards the not be. Which sucks, because I legitimately liked and cared for him.

I feel completely and utterly lost and heartbroken. I've lost a lot this year, especially recently. The little bit of family I had left. Some friends. My vehicle. My job is probably going to be on the line. I'm actually….alone. Alone and…I cringe when I think of it, but pregnant. Alone and pregnant, without a motherly bone in my body. I'm sure the guy involved knows that too. However if there's anything I want to be able to get off my chest, it's this…

I know this is scary for you, too. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. And to be stuck with me?, well, that must be another sickening feeling entirely. I know next to nothing about kids. Nothing about being a mother. But what I DO know, is what NOT to do. I know to never choose a man over my kid. I know to never look the other way if said man touches my kid. I know to never bring my kid into the projects and leave them in the car while I go score some drugs. I know to never disappear without saying a word and have them wonder why they weren't good enough. And I know to never, NEVER, EVER tell my kid on their 6th birthday to be outside waiting for 8am, so I can take them out to celebrate and tell them how much I love them- and just never show. I'll never leave them waiting for a mom who never shows. I'm sorry for this happening to you.

Now I'm lying here in bed wondering what tomorrow will bring. Wondering, not for the first time, where my life is heading. Honestly, I still have no idea.

xoxo -B

2 thoughts on “Positive.

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