The Big 29.

Well some things in this world you just can’t change. And some things you just can’t see until it’s too late. I’ve got a hole in me now. Yeah, I’ve got a scar I can talk about. I keep a picture of him in my apartment in the city. Some things in this world -man, they just don’t make sense. Some things you don’t need until they leave  you, then the things that you miss you say  – baby, when all your love is gone who will save me from all I’m up against out in this world? And maybe you’ll find something that’s enough to keep you. But if the bright lights don’t deceive you, you should turn yourself around and come on home. 

It’s been a little wacky lately. Life has taken so many sharp turns for me. I don’t even know where to begin. Everything has changed. And then it changed again. And again. But somehow, I ended up right back where I started. Kinda. But with no sister, and still no car. (Which – for the record – the car part sucks)

I’m trying to pick up the pieces and just get along with my life. The past few days have been SO much better than the past few months. I had a birthday where I semi-celebrated the big 29 in Washington D.C. But for the most part I felt empty that day. There were only 2 people who actually made it worth anything that day. And for some unknown reason they still love me, and still want to be a part of my life. Even though I’ve hurt them and let them down in many ways. It kills me to know that every person that has ever meant anything to me, that has ever crossed paths with me, I’ve ruined them in some way. It makes me hate myself a little. It just seems like it’s so hard for me to be a decent person. It’s like I’m programmed to be awful, and hateful, no matter how hard I try.

I just want to be a better person. I want to be loved, and wanted, and accepted. Even though I act like I don’t. I’ve been alive for 29 years now.  I can tell you the exact date that I realized that I fell in love for the very first time. The exact date that I broke my own heart for the very first time. I can tell you the moment I found out that I DID in fact find someone to lean on. Regardless of what fucked up situation I managed to get myself into.

These last 5 years, leading up to the big 29, have been so eye opening. So awe-inspiring. So full of joy and sadness that I don’t even know what more to say about it other than thank you for being some of the best people that I’ve ever had the pleasure of coming across. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and being my best friend. I will never be good enough for you all.

xoxo

-B

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