I should feel that right about now. Relief. However I don’t. I feel anxious. More than that. I feel worried about just EVERYTHING. Money. Work. I got the car back today. So far it seems alright. I hope it stays that way. But I’m even having anxiety about that. I mean, the two times I drove it, it died on me. But I’m hoping those bad days are just over. I got a new job. They called me and told me what they were going to pay me. I guess that’s why I’m feeling anxious at the moment. Money. Why does everything revolve around fucking money? It keeps me up at night. It’s making my palms sweaty right now. I’m going back to work at Wal-Mart tomorrow. Officially put in my two weeks with a new store manager I haven’t met yet. That also makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. It’s also bitter sweet, to say good bye to a company I’ve put so much time and effort into. I’m going to miss a few of the friend’s I’ve actually made there, too. But I’m hoping that I’m making the right choice and I’m moving onto bigger and better things.
I’m hoping that my future is going to look a little brighter than it is now.
I never knew so many people hated me. A part of me wants to laugh at the situation. I mean, I thought the majority of these people genuinely liked me. Well, like Doakes from Dexter said…
“Surprise Mother Fucker!”
And what a surprise, indeed. The people that I thought were friends, or well known acquaintances, have officially turned on me. Why? I’m not exactly sure. They say it’s favoritism. I personally feel like now that we have the big bad wolf out of the building, they need a new person to hate. A new person to target. However the question at hand is – Why me? Why the only people who look out for you?
There’s this saying. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” Not that I physically feed anyone. But I do feel like I help people a lot. So the hurt and confusion that comes with throwing me under the bus runs deep. The petty part of me wants to go back and bring everyone’s dirty laundry into the light. Go back with a vengeance. But I cannot, in good faith anyway, do that. So how to act to these people? Pretend that nothing is wrong? I suppose I could do that. To keep the peace anyway. But no, that’s not something I’m going to do. I could be completely, utterly, and strictly professional. Follow every single little rule that there is and hold people accountable for cutting corners. However that might backfire on myself. I could myself be held for accountability when it comes to productivity. Am I willing to do that? Be written up for keeping my integrity and being slow at it? I guess that’s something that I will have to sit on and mull over.
I’m going to end this post with a quote from Scandal.
“Some people bark. Some people bite. I do both”