I did it. I survived my first day at a new job. I hate being new. I mean, you’re awkward. You don’t know shit. There’s always that one asshole you work with that gives you a hard time. I didn’t learn anything. I basically just stood there and watched someone activate phones for 8 hours and felt uncomfortable as hell. But it’s over. Thank God. I think once I catch on, learn the ropes, I’ll really like it a lot. But for now my anxiety will just have to stay at an all time high. Tons of things keep running through my brain. How long will it take me to catch on? What if I fuck up? Who can I trust? And who is the best person to learn from? Honestly I’m doing no good by just watching. I have to get my hands dirty. But I’m also petrified to do so. And nothing makes learning and being new worse than a dick co-worker. I guess it was a rough first day.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.
I did it. I clocked out for the last time. I said it was bitter sweet, but I lied. It just feels bitter. I gave so much to that company. Literally put in some blood, sweat, and copious amounts of tears. It doesn’t feel as good as I was hoping it would. Instead, I feel defeated. I feel like I gave up. And I hate giving up. It feels like I let them win. I clocked out and walked my way to the front of the building. A few people told me goodbye, but most didn’t. I guess in the end people will always show their true colors. Through the double doors and turned around to look at the building. I will no longer be a part of it’s accomplishments. Of it’s failures. I was probably already replaced before I even hit the exit. The business just keeps on running, as if I never left. My eyes got watery, looking back. Because deep down I really didn’t want to go. I had an attachment to the place that I didn’t even know about until it was already too late. I sat and wondered if it was the right decision. I still don’t know the answer to that question. Did I walk away to better myself? I’m not exactly sure. How do you REALLY know when it’s ready to end? When is the right time to bid your last farewell? I guess that’s a good question for a lot of things in my life right now.
All I do know is I’ve met two of the most amazing fucking people out of it. And I am so, incredibly grateful and, above all – honored– to be able to call them my friends. I love you guys.
New beginnings. New endings. It’s always the same. Taking a leap is ALWAYS a terrifying thing. Taking those leaps can be life changing. I can’t help but feel this absolute fear. Everything is changing. It seems like nothing is staying the same and I just can’t hold on. I’m surrounded by shitty people, daily. And lies. It’s all very lonely. I sit here, alone in my room, behind a computer. Wondering what tomorrow is going to bring. I keep wondering about the “could – have – beens”. If I never would have gone to work for Wal-Mart. If I would still be pregnant. If my pawpaw would still be alive. How differently everything would have been. Where would I be right now? If I had taken all of these other roads. If life would have taken other turns. Would I have turned out to be a decent person? Would I still be this lonely? Would I be successful? Would I still have my cat? All viable questions. I guess it would be nice if I knew that I had something good ahead of me. Something I could look forward to. Is it so wrong to want something good in life?