Home.

Now tell me: how did all my dreams turn to nightmares?
How did I lose it when I was right there?
Now I’m so far that it feels like it’s all gone to pieces
Tell me why the world never fights fair
I’m trying to find home.
A place where I can go
To take this off my shoulders
Someone take me home.
I found no cure for the loneliness
I found no cure for the sickness
Nothing here feels like home
Crowded streets, but I’m all alone

-MGK, Bebe Rexha, Sam Harris

 

This blog post is going to be a tough one for me. Maybe one of the hardest ones yet. 

I finally found someone that completes me. My other half. My soulmate. The ying to my yang. I found someone that gives me everything I have ever wanted and more importantly, someone who gives me everything that I have ever needed. Things have been perfect. I took on the role of a step-mother, which is by far one of the most challenging thing’s I have ever had to do. I work alot, but I still find time to cook, pick up the house, do the laundry and the dishes. I’ve welcomed with open arms and transformed into a wife and mother in the matter of months. I still have my trials and tribulations but it’s nothing in comparison to what I have gained. I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet. The stars had aligned and the universe dished out so much good karma and positive energy that I felt like I was about to explode (in a good way). 

Until Tuesday

Tuesday fate intervened. The stars died out. The universe and everything in it disappeared. My good luck dried up, and karma morphed from good friend to enemy. 

57% percent of men admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had. 36% of men admit to having an affair with a co-worker. 74 % of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. Average length of an affair – 2 years. 

I’m sure by those statistics you can figure out what has happened. The last couple of days have been a whirl wind of emotions. I’ve been angry. I’ve been confused. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been numb. The cycle repeats. I dream about it. It crosses my mind randomly throughout the day. It doesn’t seem to escape. I’ve been wondering what I’ve done wrong to make him stray. What makes her better? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? 

Now most people would leave in this situation, but I’m not. Call me stupid and ignorant, tell me once a cheater always a cheater. Say what you will, but I love this man. More importantly I love his kid, which I have grown to love as my own. This family means more to me than anything in this world and for that, I’m staying. I may be broken, but I am staying.

Does it make me strong or weak because I stay? I have yet to figure out. But I know that in the end it will be worth it. So I’m going to push through this struggle because if I had to sum up my life in one word it would be this : perseverance.

“Look, I didn’t power through the struggle
Just to let a little trouble, knock me out of my position and interrupt my vision.
After everything I witnessed, after all of these decisions. All these miles, feet, and inches- They can’t add up to the distance
that I have been through- just to get to- a place where even if there’s no closure, I’m still safe”

-B

 

https://youtu.be/IumYMCllMsM

2 thoughts on “Home.

  1. Brooke, Im have been away for a while but i see you are still going threw some things, i wish i could be there for you but sadly life has separated us to far apart. I really hope he can stay faithful to you. I have been in that situation before a few times and it has never worked out. Once they know they can get away with it there is really no reason they can/should stop cheating. I just want you to know that you are still and always was a beautiful, smart woman, and you do not have to put up with that just bc you dont want to be alone. I wish i could hold you again… and make everything alright. Maybe one day…….until then please take care of your self and be strong. I LOVE YOU

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hard situation. I say always give ONE 2nd chance. But in the end, you can’t sacrifice your happiness for someone else. If it was your own flesh and blood child, okay, but he’s not yours and though you may love him too, you can’t love if you aren’t loved yourself. The cup will run dry

    Liked by 1 person

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