Loneliness can be a dangerous thing. It drives people to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. Sitting in your own thoughts can be troublesome, to say the least. It’s Easter Sunday. No work. The boyfriend is working and the kid is out doing Easter-like festivities. I’m sitting here with some time to myself – which isn’t something that has happened in the last few months. Drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes (two things my doctor repeatedly tells me to stop doing but I just don’t care anymore), and I’m lonely. I guess I’ve been lonely, but today is different. It feels like something is missing and I can’t put a finger on it. I feel like there’s been a change. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m still trying to deal with the whole infidelity situation. I second guess everything now. I don’t even trust myself, much less another human being that I share a bed with. I’ve become complacent. Which is terrifying all on it’s own. Just going through the motions. Second after second. Minute by minute. Day after day. I find that I have been telling myself “Maybe I deserve this.” I honestly have no fucking idea what I’m doing, but something isn’t right. A friend told me that she thinks monogamy isn’t a thing anymore. That every person (these days anyway) has two people. One person that they share a physical connection with, and the other person that they share an emotional bond with. I find myself wondering which person I have been over the past 5 or 6 years, mainly with my most current relationship and the most recent one before this one. And questioning why I have never been good enough to hold both of those qualities in my hands. There has been only one person in my entire life that has ever truly known me. I miss being able to be open and not be afraid. To be able to be myself. I mean, I am fine, don’t get me wrong. I am able to live my life without this anymore. But I don’t feel alive. If that makes any sense. I want that feeling back. I want to be able to love myself.
I want to be free again.