Am I Ready For It?

That’s a question I’ve been asking myself alot lately. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written to you all so let me catch you up to speed. Let’s start with the best news of it all. I got married! Surprisingly I never had to ask myself ‘Am I ready for this?’ on this one. I knew. It feels so normal and right. Which is something I haven’t been used to in a very long time. It’s really the only thing keeping me afloat at this point. I’ve been through alot over the years, and it took something like settling down, something that I was deathly afraid of for so long, to center me. It was a pleasant surprise that I am thankful for.

On another note, my 7 year old nephew Kelvin died. He drowned in Lake Pontchartrain after taking off his life vest. This one I’m still trying to wrap my head around. It doesn’t feel real. It just feels like he’s at a friends house or he’s at school. But then my sister will call me crying and I realize that shit, he’s gone. This one rocked the boat for many of us. How do you move on from something like this? How do you even cope? I ask myself often, ‘Are we even ready to live our lives without him?’. The answer is no, we’re  not. But we’re being forced to and it’s not fair. Lot’s of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills are being thrown around but so far we’ve felt nothing but pain and emptiness and anger. I hope and pray for better days ahead.

I’m with a new company. A literal 9-5, Monday through Friday desk job where I can have pictures of my husband and kid and my cat chilling next to my post it’s. I am considered a “procurement specialist”. I ask myself ‘Am I ready for it?’ alot on this one. It’s terrifying, having a real adult job. I just want to thrive at this place. I want this to be it. I NEED this to be it.

And last but not least, we have a new dog. We found him on the street, and he just followed us home. For those of you who know me, I am a cat person. So when taking this little baby in I thought “Am I ready to be a dog mom?” I guess I kinda have to be because he’s just sitting here at this very moment laying in my lap, snoozing away after sharing a slice of pizza with me. He’s a sweet boy who will have a good life now. The doctor said he seems to be in good health other than the fact that he’s super skinny. But that’s something we will have to work on over time.

There’s been lots of good and not so good happening lately that it’s hard to wrap my head around it at times. But I have my family, and my friends. 2 pets and a roof over my head. So I guess when really asking myself ‘Are you ready for it?’, the answer is yeah. Hell fucking yeah I am.

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