Now tell me: how did all my dreams turn to nightmares?
How did I lose it when I was right there?
Now I’m so far that it feels like it’s all gone to pieces
Tell me why the world never fights fair
I’m trying to find home.
A place where I can go
To take this off my shoulders
Someone take me home.
I found no cure for the loneliness
I found no cure for the sickness
Nothing here feels like home
Crowded streets, but I’m all alone

-MGK, Bebe Rexha, Sam Harris


This blog post is going to be a tough one for me. Maybe one of the hardest ones yet. 

I finally found someone that completes me. My other half. My soulmate. The ying to my yang. I found someone that gives me everything I have ever wanted and more importantly, someone who gives me everything that I have ever needed. Things have been perfect. I took on the role of a step-mother, which is by far one of the most challenging thing’s I have ever had to do. I work alot, but I still find time to cook, pick up the house, do the laundry and the dishes. I’ve welcomed with open arms and transformed into a wife and mother in the matter of months. I still have my trials and tribulations but it’s nothing in comparison to what I have gained. I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet. The stars had aligned and the universe dished out so much good karma and positive energy that I felt like I was about to explode (in a good way). 

Until Tuesday

Tuesday fate intervened. The stars died out. The universe and everything in it disappeared. My good luck dried up, and karma morphed from good friend to enemy. 

57% percent of men admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had. 36% of men admit to having an affair with a co-worker. 74 % of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. Average length of an affair – 2 years. 

I’m sure by those statistics you can figure out what has happened. The last couple of days have been a whirl wind of emotions. I’ve been angry. I’ve been confused. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been numb. The cycle repeats. I dream about it. It crosses my mind randomly throughout the day. It doesn’t seem to escape. I’ve been wondering what I’ve done wrong to make him stray. What makes her better? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? 

Now most people would leave in this situation, but I’m not. Call me stupid and ignorant, tell me once a cheater always a cheater. Say what you will, but I love this man. More importantly I love his kid, which I have grown to love as my own. This family means more to me than anything in this world and for that, I’m staying. I may be broken, but I am staying.

Does it make me strong or weak because I stay? I have yet to figure out. But I know that in the end it will be worth it. So I’m going to push through this struggle because if I had to sum up my life in one word it would be this : perseverance.

“Look, I didn’t power through the struggle
Just to let a little trouble, knock me out of my position and interrupt my vision.
After everything I witnessed, after all of these decisions. All these miles, feet, and inches- They can’t add up to the distance
that I have been through- just to get to- a place where even if there’s no closure, I’m still safe”




Neutral Territory.

Finding a common ground can be quite difficult. Especially when the divide between two people is rather substantial. We all think that we are right when we are in an argument. The problem is we don’t sit down and listen to what the other person really has to say. Most times we are more focused on what we are going to say in response and actually hearing them out. I call this “talking at someone”. There is an ample amount of difference between talking TO someone and talking AT them.

Well, emotions have been running high at work lately. I don’t do confrontation. AT ALL. I will say though that I’m the type of person who will hold it all in and then blow my lid over something as small as dropping a pencil on the ground. Anyway, we have these two new supervisors that had started while I was away in training. When I came back to the store I IMMEDIATELY got a fallacious vibe. My guard went up almost instantly and the tension that filled the building was so thick it could have been cut with a knife. You see, with me, first impressions are EVERYTHING. If the first time I meet you and you say something like “why do you wear all black?” (which isn’t something that happened at work but happens to me often) or “You gained weight from your pictures” (which also didn’t happen at work but is something that happens often) or “Hi, that’s against policy” (DING DING DING!) well, let’s just say that I pretty much lose all respect for you at that point and I don’t even want to get to know you as a person. So all through the week we were assholes to one another. Little snide comments here and there, mainly on my part, and sales given away to specific people while the rest of us struggle (not on my part). By the time Saturday evening rolled around I was good and pissed off and about to explode when the new supervisors wanted to have a “one on one” conversation with each of us. I had a feeling it was aimed more towards me for my shitty attitude I had acquired over the week and towards another co-worker who said they were making sales calls when they weren’t.

Once again, my anxiety spiked. It was so bad that I was sweating even though it wasn’t hot and my hands were shaky, but I told myself that this NEEDED to happen. It had to be all brought to the table and possibly get a little nasty before there was a chance that it could get better. So one by one, each associate gets pulled to the back. Some are having conversations longer than others. I become more and more restless each time someone gets called to the back and it’s not me until finally, my name is called. I head to the back and sit down on the chair facing my two foes. One of them I thought was cool with me until I find out right then and there that she was a traitor the whole time. She told him about why I was angry the entire week, in detail. I guess I wasn’t really too upset that he knew, because a part of me wanted him to know I was upset, but all in the same it was a backstabbing feeling that I was getting in my gut.

We hashed it out, all three of us. I was a little what they call “brutally honest”, but it was okay because they took what I said and didn’t get angry with me but actually listened to my comments and concerns. By the end of the exchange, we found a common ground. Neutral territory. I walked out of the room with relief, feeling better to finally get it all off of my chest.

Hopefully now that we laid everything out on the table, we can push forward and actually be a unit, instead of individually wrapped in our own wrong doings. I guess only time will tell.




Race Wars.

I honestly don’t understand what is going on in the world today. How in the hell is it 2018 and racism is still a real, live thing? Let me tell you something that I don’t understand. And let me go ahead and warn you now, this will most likely be an “offensive” post, therefore if you get your panties in a bunch over a few choice words, you may not want to read much further.

African Americans hate the word “nigga”. But if you pay attention, they only get offended when the word is used from people of other color. So if a Caucasian were to say “what’s up my nigga”, fists are being thrown, bullets are flying. Somebody is getting fucked up. But when an African American calls another African American the same exact thing, it’s considered a term of endearment. My question is why? Why is it offensive for one and not the other? If it’s a derogatory word, and in my own personal opinion it is, why are we using it at all? Bottom line here is it’s not tolerable in ANY circumstance. It’s ignorant. We are all people. We are all the same. So why do we do things that divide us even more than what society is already doing to us? I’m not going to sit here and spew the pageant speech about wanting world peace, but our country is already in shambles. We should be coming together to overcome our past and joining forces to give us a better future. I honestly hate the divide. It’s literally a race war. One thing that really irritates me is old white people. I had a customer the other day come in and talk about all the “niggers”. It was so fucking offensive. I sat there not saying anything for as long as I could until I just couldn’t anymore. I may have blown up a tad bit, and that’s my fault for even letting him get a word in after he said that word. But you can’t hate an entire race because you had a confrontation with one individual. Do we not remember fucking Hitler people?

I know what many of you reading this are thinking. Here’s this entitled white bitch who doesn’t know shit. But let me tell you something. I grew up in a neighborhood where there were 3 white families in a 5 mile radius. We were fucking poor as shit. There were 8 of us living in a 2 bedroom half a double and we ate one meal a week. Yes, my grandparents couldn’t afford to cook every single day. So he made enough food in one day for us to last an entire week. I got free meals in school and eventually we were able to be approved for foodstamps. I wore the same shoes for school 3 years in a row even though my toes were scrunched at the top because they didn’t fit and ALL of my school clothes had holes in them. I brought roseart colors to school when everyone else had crayola, we never had a Christmas tree and my one present every year was mega blocks instead of legos. People look at me and think that just because I’m white I had it all, that  I don’t know what it’s like to struggle. And it really pisses me off.

With us killing each other and judging one another, it reminds me that we are our own enemies and leads me to the question that I ask myself daily.

If we stay on the path that we are currently on, with us killing each other and caging people into certain categories, is our freedom really “free”?



Finally. The last day of this training course. It’s been a miserable week. For someone who is shy like me, these types of courses are mentally draining. There’s role playing and group activities. It’s possibly the worse thing that could ever happen to someone with social anxiety. The first two days I threw up in the bathroom and all week for lunch I hid in the parking garage, having mild panic attacks. It was the absolute worst. But today is D-Day. The final day and while I should find comfort in that, I do not. The last day is usually where you have to stand up in front of the class and tell everyone what you’ve learned or “act out scenarios” based off of what you’ve learned all week. On the first day we had to introduce ourselves and we were recorded. Yes, you read that correctly. RECORDED. So that way we could go back and watch ourselves on how we interacted. Completely and utterly mortifying. If I had to guess we’re going to do that again today, to see if our body language and how we engage is any better than the first day. I’m already sweating just thinking about it. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far.

In other news though, I’m hoping that after today’s fiasco is over and done with, I’ll be able to go and pick up my cat from my apartment and bring her over to my boyfriends house where I’ve currently been residing. He wants me to move in. I’ve been thinking A LOT about it lately and I think I’m going to do it. I pretty much live here already and I’ll be able to save money since I won’t be paying for a place that I haven’t lived in in over 4 months now.

Well, I guess I should get going so that way I’m not late to this bullshit and have to dance to “I’m a little tea pot”. Yes, the coordinator makes you do that when you are late. It’s embarrassing.

I suppose I’ll update you later on how everything goes. Or doesn’t go.


The “Panic Button”.

The trouble with anxiety is that it never FULLY goes away. It’s always there. It may be so in your face and forceful, or it could be lingering, just on the sidelines of your peripheral  vision. Whatever the case, it’s there.

Tonight I sit here. In my boyfriends bed. Twiddling my thumbs. Watching tv on my phone. Doing anything really to take my mind off of why I’m feeling so uptight and trying my best to even out my breathing but nothing really seems to be doing the trick. I’m worried about driving into the city for “training” tomorrow. I’m worried about training itself. I’m worried about the “role playing scenarios” I’m going to have to participate in. I’m worried about the drive back home. I’m worried about after training this week, when I have to go back to work. I’m worried about not meeting my goals for the month. I’m worried about the customers. I’m worried about money. I’m worried about moving. I’m worried about NOT moving. I really could just sit here and go on and on and on and fucking on. I honestly feel like I can’t breathe right now. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t understand how I can even live with myself. And what makes it worse is that people think that there is something wrong with you when you’re on the brink or mid panic attack. They always want to know “what’s wrong” or “why you’re breathing funny” or “why you’re crying”. I don’t fucking know half the time. It just comes out of no where and knocks me off of my feet. Sometimes, there isn’t anything “wrong” with me. And that’s when they will begin to label you as crazy or insane.

I thought that talking about this right now would have made me feel better. Usually it does but right now I feel just as lost and confused and panic-stricken as I was when I first started this post.


No Half Measures.

Sometimes, things feel too good to be true. I started a new job where I can make lots of money. I have a new boyfriend- who is absolutely amazing. I have Jess, Brandi, and chance- the three most amazing friends I could possibly ask for. I can’t believe I’m bringing in the new year with some pretty amazing opportunities for me. The new job has been a little anxiety-ridden for me. I’m hoping that once I get comfortable and know what I’m doing that the anxiousness will go away. If I could up my confidence level up a bit that would be awesome, but I guess I can’t ask for too much. All I do know is that from here on out I’m going to put all of my effort into what ever I decide to do. Just like that episode of Breaking Bad-

No more half measures.